What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 06:18
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What do you love to do at night when you’re alone?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I said to her
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
All the time i was locked up.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But, we were locked up after school.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i do to all so called friends.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
How do I develop the patience to read books?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Atque sapiente quis aspernatur.
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is soul school!.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He knew the spot.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But ive been too sick for many years..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It was going to be , some day.
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My family never makes their pension either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She married twice! .
I was very sick at this time too.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was in good health!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it wasn’t much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I know ,a lot about trauma.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And i lived it daily.
She loved him until the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were not on the streets..
Comes on , in middle age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What did i know ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was scared of men, in general
So whats the point in blame.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Put me off passion for life!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My life is so biszare .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Ive learnt so much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was 9 years of age.
I think the readers, may guess!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot live in the past .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I have no regrets .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We all went to grammer schools
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She wouldn,t have been !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I waited trembling.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I don,t even have a pension.